Mile Markers of Life

Today I flipped my calendar from May to June, and the picture says it all.

“Effort: Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment; full effort is full victory.” -Mohandas K. Gandhi

2 weeks from today I will likely be at lunch with a medal draped around my neck and new tan lines to brag about. The Boulder Sprint Triathlon is on June 16 and it is the first in the Boulder Tri series….I AM SO EXCITED.

I am ready to get summer racing on a roll. It starts in two weeks and won’t end until the end of October when I do the Rock n Roll Denver. I’m thinking I need to sign up for a race in September to keep the monthly races going. I have one in June, July, August, and October. It’s gonna happen!

Now, I am gonna get ready to hit the road with tires for 2.5 hours.

Dat Vid.

No, but seriously. These videos…they’re so awesome. I had a crap swim yesterday, but I still have that fire lit. Where did it come from? I am not quite sure…my thoughts, my actions, my future hopes and dreams, maybe? It is lit, and it is burning so bright and hot, I never want it to go out.

Just keep on keeping on……….someday….someday in the semi-far off future…….I will do an Ironman. 

Can’t stop, won’t stop.

All the filmy, wet eyes.

I adore these videos, and now I’m off to swim.

The end is near. I can see it, smell it, taste, it, feel it. It is so close..so so close. It is May 10 and I nearly shat my pants because I just checked my countdown-o-meter. Here’s my life by the numbers.

• 7 days until school is over and I am free to train and work as much as I please without the pressure of failing a final that is worth 20% of my grade
• 36 days until the Boulder Sprint Triathlon, I am already shivering. That water though.
• 64 days until the Boulder Olympic Triathlon
• 70 days until EPIC Rocky Mountain Relay
• 85 days until the Boulder 70.3, the pinnacle of all my training of the whole entire first half of 2013.
• 100 days until Nursing School
• 162 days until Rock n Roll Denver Marathon

I have a lot of fun and challenging work ahead of me people. I am so excited right now! JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT through school and I am in the clear. This summer is gonna be so badass. I cannot wait.

Thank the good Lord. I made it to the 10 minute cool down. All I can think about right now is water and chocolate milk…where am I? Also thank the good lord for trainers, and water, sweet, sweet, cold, delicious, satisfying water. Thank the good lord for bodies that heal because mine is thrashed. My legs are torn apart and my butt and butt bone feel like they’re definitely bruised for eternity.

I am being a swim pussy. I am saving all of it till the end of the week. LOLOLOL I’m gonna love it by Sunday, right? I didn’t want to drag myself to the gym for a half assed swim so I just stayed home and full-assed my long ride for the week. 90 minutes of butt conditioning action almost finished off.

YESSSSS I feel better, except my butt bone. That thing hurts.

If I’ve learned any lesson a thousand times it’s this: if I have a choice between working out earlier in my day and much later, like after work where I THINK it’ll happen and I think I’ll feel like it, I just need to friggen get it over with the first time I think about it. I seriously drive myself crazy with the busyness and trying to fit my workouts in…I have times where I can get them done, it’s just a matter of “do I wanna do it now or later?” It’s stupid and I just need to get it over with so I’m not faced with the decision when I’m sleepy and lacking motivation at 7:30 at night.

Big sigh. Unintentional, unfortunate rest day—my one of the week, so the rest of these 5 days are gonna have workouts so help me. Tomorrow is swim day, and let me tell you I am not excited to shimmy that tight spandex one piece over my fat ass and hop in the ice water, but I’m gonna…because I want this.

Gotta get it in.

Also some dumbass stole two of my running magnets off my car. SO MAD.

RACING…Y YOU SO ‘SPENSIVE!?!?!?!??!?

I want to do a lot. I love signing up for and finishing races. I love the swag! I don’t care what anyone says…runners run part for the fun, part for the challenge, and part for the swag. Who doesn’t like treats? Medals and tech shirts and bags and samples of goodies. Everyone loves it..especially me.

I have a tentative(extremely) plan foor the races I want to do in 2013 and I could be spending anywhere from $700-$850 if I do every single one I want. Now, I know that money could be put towards savings or college loans, which is important, but sometimes you just have to have a little fun. I have close to no bills right now. I am blessed to live at home and get my education at a really pretty cheap university that happens to be in my town. I have a gym membership, phone bill, and car stuff like gas and maintenance. That’s it. No rent, no grocery bills, etc. I am lucky, and so it makes spending money on stuff like this a little more doable.

There is something about draining your bank account, though, to run around with other nutcases that is a little scary. But…on race day, when you have butterflies at the start and are packed in close with a ton of people, slowly moving towards the the start, and then the gun goes off. You take off, galloping towards the chute and your heart is racing! The race itself is so fun…crowds cheering, people with funny signs…cowbells and well wishes reverberating through your ears as your breath, footsteps, and heartbeat are synchronized together. There is nothing like it… And then you make it to the finish line, and get a medal, and a banana and a bagel. You plop down on a curb and enjoy what you’ve just done. Take it in. Appreciate the work you’ve just put forth, and all the effort you’ve given in the past however long of your training cycle. It’s such a good feeling, and I can’t give it up.

 I’ve taken a hiatus where I didn’t really want anything to do with racing. Spending money on racing or seeing someone running down my street made me turn my nose up and made me feel so happy I wasn’t doing it…but I think my hiatus is over. The 70.3 shot me in my heart and my confidence(dramatic, but seriously). It made me scared to commit to big races! Looking back, I didn’t train enough in a really uncomfortable state to understand what I would feel on race day, and I didn’t perfect my nutrition plan. I seriously drank a swig of gatorade after the swim because I was so thirsty, and it immediately made me feel nauseated. I tried to eat half a clif bar, and then that’s it! I didn’t eat anything on the bike until probably mile 20 and I had half of a half of a banana and half a gu. I had some of the ironman gatorade and water, but other then that…nada. That was the whole problem I’m pretty sure. I didn’t train the nutrition heavily enough, which is just as important, if not more as the training for the race itself. Note to self..perfect nutrition. It’s important!

So with that said…I looked at the racing schedule for the year during class. I’m a bad student sometimes…much more interesting though, I’m not sorry! There are a bunch of races that look appealing to me. I’m not sure I will be doing them all, but I’d like it. It’s a lot of money though, so I’d probably sign up for the sure-thing ones and save the others for if I come into a good deal of cash. Here they are in order of appearance:

Turkey Trot—November 27—Colorado Springs

Rudolph Ramble 5k—December 2—Denver

Rescue Run—January 1—Colorado Springs

Polar Bear 5k—January 20—Denver

Superbowl 5k—February 3—Denver

Valentines 5k—February 10—Denver

That Dam Run half—March 3—Denver

Colorado half Marathon—May 5—Fort Collins

Boulder Peak Sprint Tri—June 16—Boulder

Boulder Peak Olympic Tri—July 14—Boulder

Rocky Mountain Epic Relay—Junly 19—Canyon City-Crested Butte

Boulder Half Ironman—August 4—Boulder

Rock n Roll Denver Half/Full????—October 20—Denver

So there they are. All the random 5k’s are in a series with the dam half marathon, and they look fun, so why not sign up for the whole series. I’m not sure if I’ll do that series, but it’s a thought. It’s $135 bucks though, so we shall see. The boulder tri series is a big chunk of change, too, but that is more of a serious business I have to conquer, so that’s a probably. Sometimes I wonder why runners spend so much money for a t-shirt, medal, and some miles, but then I remember what it feels like to train and complete races, and the money doesn’t matter as much. My motto: if you don’t do a race because of the money, and race day rolls around and you see other people post about it and you feel sad and left out, you should have done it. Don’t let money hold you back…it can be replaced. I need to remember that.

…or seated comfortably in a lounge chair a couple hundred feet from it…watching the idiots, the brave souls, those who seek adventure and eat new experiences for breakfast…watching them walk the edge, testing how close they can get before they topple off, while you sit and enjoy an icy beverage and watch Netflix for 4 hours straight.

This has been my predicament as of late. It feels like a predicament, but it’s not. I have been lazy. I have been preoccupied with school and work and life. I have been lax with myself: my fitness, my eating, my goals, my dreams. I have been telling myself it’s okay to just…be. But it isn’t. I have ‘just been’ since August 1st at about noon. From that moment I preferred to lay in the grass under a shaded tree spot and watch the finishers come in, rather than be a finisher. That is not okay. That is not okay at all in my book.

The thing is…I’m a starter, but sometimes(most) I’m not a good finisher. I’ve completed my fair share of training and racing, but somehow I’ve fallen off the train. Why have I fallen off the train? What could I do differently to avoid falling off the bandwagon and just keep holding on. Training is effing hard. Training for three different sports is even freaking harder, so why now, that I’ve been lazy and a doer of the bare minimum for the past 3 months, do I feel the desire rising up once again? Why? WHY!? Ahhh well. I don’t know, but I guess that’s a good thing right?

It is a good thing. It is. Maybe it’s time I just re-buck up. It’s hard to stay motivated and get to things when school is busy and it’s cold outside…..I took my break, I lived my boring, lamesauce life for three whole months and look what it got me. No medals, no PR’s, no finisher shirts or photos…nada. Lame, weak, boring…I can’t live like that! I started running in 2010 and I couldn’t get enough, why because it was new? Probably partly because it was a new adventure, but because I loved it. I didn’t think about the work I was doing….it was just something fun that I enjoyed. It didn’t take that much to get me out the door..I agreed to Saturday early morning runs with the team almost instantaneously. I need that back. I am not happy just being bored and boring..and weak! I long to be able to run 5, 7, 10 miles again without feeling like I need a 4 hour nap. I’ll get back to that point.

It’s really easy to be the person who goes to the gym..does the hour and then leaves. It’s easy to be complacent and bored with things that are hard! I didn’t appreciate how I could run so far when I was doing it, and now I can’t do it because I am not trained for it. It is easy to be lazy and prefer to watch Netflix reruns of your favorite show over and over and over and over. I need to grow up, buck up, suck it up. I need to do hard things again. I need to avoid falling into the lazy person role unless I’ve had a long day of training and can’t do anything other than watch tv on the couch. Those are the rules…that’s how it’s gonna be. I don’t don’t DON’T want to be the person in a lawn chair drinking 10 beers and watching their family members or friends come over the finish lawn, see them get the medal, the prideful, ecstatic smile spread across their face. I can’t. I won’t. I’m an endurance athlete in hibernation, and I want so bad to claw my way out of this cozy cave. I can’t be complacent. I can’t be boring.

I need to grow up, buck up, suck it up. I need to do hard things.

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford

This weekend has stirred an immense amount of self reflection in my heart and sould. It’s forced me to really look at how I act, how I think, how I train. It’s allowed me to see how I react to a fairly personally devastating situation. This meant so much to me, and honestly I’m not quite out of the hole yet. These three seemingly useless articles are both a painful reminder and a stepping stone. They sit on my desk, and likely will for a long time, but they don’t bring as much sadness as they do determination.

On the bike, I was feeling so miserable, and in my misery I kept talking so hatefully to myself. I quit before I even finished, in a sense. I vowed to never do a triathlon again. I cursed what I was doing, I cursed myself for not facing the mental and physical battles more head on during training. I felt as though I had wasted these past 10 months…what was I even doing? Apparently my head was up my arse. Right then and there I felt the dream and desire to do a full ironman slip through my fingers.

These self doubting thoughts are 103% absolutely paralyzing. They creep out when you least expect them to and suddenly you cannot think any other way! How do we get these sickening, demeaning thoughts to go away?

By simply succeeding.

When you fail, you feel as though you are useless, weak…that whatever you do or think you may want to try is now forever out of your reach simply because self doubt has taken over. OH but when you simply succeed…when you banish the voices in your head that tell you you’re not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, strong enough, or dedicated enough to succeed, you become invincible. Suddenly the seemingly impossible becomes possible…you, a simple human being, becomes super human in your own unique way. For me, trying new, dificult things is both terrifying and deeply rewarding. Why shouldn’t I strive to be the best I can be? Why should I conform to the ‘norm’ of being average, of being timid. I don’t want to be average…I want to challenge myself in new ways, better ways. I want to learn and grow and succeed MORE than I want to feel safe or comfortable, average or ‘normal.’

Often the best thing that can happen is to fall flat on your face. It is through failure that we truly learn.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I think that what happened this weekend is exactly what I needed the most. It was almost like I was asleep, blindfolded, for the past ten months. I knew I wanted this, but in a way, I wasn’t entirely convinced that I wanted to work as hard as was necessary. My blindfold was ripped off on Sunday, and I had to face the reality of the situation. My eyes are open on what I want, what I’m willing to work for, and what I’m capable of.

I gained a lot of new followers through this ordeal—I welcome you!! Sometimes I am lazy, sometimes I gripe and complain and whine, but I am always passionate. If anything, this only intensified my desires to succeed, to train like an animal, to be the absolute best I can possibly be.

So when just Sunday I felt hopeless and lost about what my athletic future held, today I feel as though my plans are tentatively set in stone. The next year of my life will be nothing short of incredibly busy, likely stressful, but 1070.3% exciting and rewarding. It pains me to feel as though I’ve ‘wasted’ the past 10 months on what I feel was useless training, but I believe it is what I needed the most. I know now what it takes, what it requires to be included in the small population who puts themselves on the line for this type of event. I know what I need to work more on, what I did well on, and what I want to perfect.

In a way I still feel as though my plans are up in the air, but I know what I want to achieve in the next 12 months. I’d like to lost fat, gain muscle and strength starting now and into winter. I’d like to do the turkey trot under 28 minutes on Thanksgiving day. I’d like to keep up with my running and continue to grow in it…tossing a few half marathons in, including the Rock Canyone 1/2 marathon on December 1st. But most of all, I plan on crushing past doubts, overcoming bumps in the road, turn failures into successes…I plan on signing up for the entire Boulder Triathlon Series…3 races, a sprint, an olympic, and my nemesis, the 70.3…I plan on training harder, smarter..getting myself into ugly places during training so I know how to bypass them during the race. I plan on spending more time on the bike, doing things I don’t want to do, but know will make me better. I plan on signing up for open water swim clinics. Everything I was too timid to do the first time around will be crushed the second. Like I said, I wish I would have done it the first time around, but that won’t change the outcome. I can train harder and smarter this time around, and give the 70.3 such a whopping case of whoop ass payback…the second time, if a success, will be a success, will be sweeter anyways.

I’m a student athlete. I’m passionate and strong. I know what I want in life, I don’t mess around, I try to be the best I can be, I strive to walk tall and have confidence. I plan my life around the activities and milestones I want to achieve. My peers, and even those older than me look at me like I’m crazy and odd, like it’s a crime to have such a drive and know what I want at such a young age…they look at me like it should be the other way around..like I should revolve my dreams around my life, and I just look at them and smile.

It’s what I love. It’s who I am…and I never want it any other way.

And there hasn’t been for quite a while. I’m not trying to be a debbie downer, and maybe it’s normal for taper week(s), but I think, right now, at this very second, that I am not a triathlon person.

Hear me out here. I enjoyed it, and I know this accomplishment will mean A LOT to me…when I cross that finish line it will be the happiest I’ve been in forever! However, I cannot wait to be done with this!!!! It causes me agony to think about all the training I have to do(and recently haven’t) I hate how I have to get in two other sports on top of my first love, running. It’s stressful and more commitment (obv) than just running. It doesn’t seem enjoyable to me to HAVE TO get into the pool for an hour or to HAVE TO go ride my bike for 4 freaking hours. I don’t enjoy training for this as much, and it’s even put a drag on my running. When I first started, running was so amazing and I couldn’t wait for the next one..the group runs and speedwork with friends. It was the best thing, and maybe that’s why I got into it so deeply, maybe that’s what I needed to get running engrained into my soul. (Cheesy, but that’s what happens, like it or not) I don’t know if I’m just burnt out on the whole triathlon thing, or if it’s really just not for me. At this point, I still have a 140.6 on my bucket list, but I really do not know if I have the mental strength and perserverance to train for something that big when I don’t even really enjoy it. Riding my bike outside is fun, but it’s stressful and takes a lot to get out. I worry about getting clipped by a car and flying face first into the pavement. Swimming is boring..I hate going back and forth in the pool 40 times and I can’t imagine having to train for 80 laps and more. That alone turns me off of the idea big time. 112 miles on a bike? Seriously?

I don’t know if I’m just thinking this way because I’ve been thinking about this since October, or if it’s real feelings and opinions I’m having, but seriously I am done with triathlon right now. I don’t feel like I was THIS ready to be done with my marathon, and especially not any of my halves! This is CRAY CRAY. Yes I just said that…I don’t have any idea where I’m going with this..just sharing my feelings and I can because this is my blog! haha

Anywho…I am working to change my mindset before this weekend, because feeling done and give-uppy is not a way to start such a big event. I will turn a corner, though, because the expo and seeing the course will probably give me the boost I need, and then race morning of course will get the adrenaline pumping. I just want to finish. I just want to finish the swim below cutoff and then I feel like I can pull it off. I am so scared for the swim…just keep swimming. I waste a lot of energy during the swim because I am inefficient. I just need to make it up that beach and I will be fine…I just want to finish. I just want to finish.

I searched through every swim picture and still didn’t find the one where I’m smiling big…oh well…I know I was! That was one of my biggest accomplishments ever! I am soooo scared of open water. It’s mainly ocean, because you don’t know what is below you, but still, any open water gives me big willies. Like, on vacation we went on a snorkel adventure and they stopped in deep water and we swam toward shore to see all the life on the bottom. I was fine when I could see to the bottom, but if I was even a toe over the ‘wall’ of dark, dropoff, deep blue doom I had to paddle backwards and get over sea where I could see. Creepy stuff man. I tell ya. I still can’t believe I did that and will be doing it again in 3, THREE, TRES WEEKS.

This bike picture makes me think I need to raise my seat.

This run picture…yes haha I do run like this, tongue and all. Just kidding, pretty sure I was throwing a cup or something. hahaha

Good stuff good stuff. These are saved to my computer forever and ever. I’m proud.

Remember that time when I was trapped in a cloud of doubt? I wanted to do something bigger, something more, but triathlon scared me. I couldn’t swim worth beans, I could complete less than one lap before giving up, putting that little thought aside, and hopping out of the pool. To add insult to injury, I also hated riding bikes, and I didn’t even own one! A crash when I was 8, which has left me still proudly scarred to this day on my left knee, made me avoid things with two wheels from then on.

So…what changed? I’m really not sure. I went from never ever to signed up in less than two weeks. When I get an idea in my head, there is little that I, or anyone else, can do do stop the progression. It’s not so much the work that scares me, it’s more the thought of not being able to be good enough, strong enough, smart enough to complete whatever I’m training, studying, trying for. That’s rarely the case though, if ever…usually if I get an idea in my head and consistantly believe in myself and tell myself that I can, I can! It’s really a pretty great concept if you just can wrap your head around it. I’m so thankful I’ve found it at this age…it’s changed me, changed my life and made me understand hard work, embrace it even, and made me believe I can do anything I set my mind to.

I got up at 3am. That is god awful! No one should wake up that friggen early…seriously. I ate my oatmeal and flipped through the absurd amount of infomercials and settled with I Love Lucy. I had to occupy my brain…3 in the morning I usually am sleeping soundly, not noshing oatmeal on the couch preparing to do something I’ve never done before. I was thinking about my time goals and such, and decided on less than two hours. I didn’t know what a good time was, but that seemed pretty good to me.

Before I knew it we were there and it was 5:30. I set up my little space and took in the cloudy, pale blue and purples sky over the resovoir. The water was so calm it looked like glass. I was thankful for that and the cool weather. It was around 65 for the whole race and the water wasn’t freezing like I was expecting. The time was passing quickly. I got body marked and I got my timing ankle strap, and then I was pulling my wetsuit on and walking down to the ‘beach.’ Yikes!!

The swim was horrible, but yet not bad at all. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done for the first time, and yet I sort of enjoyed the experience. It felt like it took forever, but it also felt like it was done in the blink of an eye.

Honestly, I hated it. I felt really constricted and trapped in my wetsuit, I’ve never swam in it before, but I was thankful for it because when I had my moment of panic about 300 yards out in a lake it didn’t let me sink! NO drowning! If you are claustrophobic at all, which I’m not really, you will be in an open water swim! With the wetsuit around you, the moment you put your face in the water you can’t see anything! It’s just green haze…I couldn’t see the bottom, I couldn’t see what was in the water, nothing! AND to top it off, apparently my goggles suck butt…I need anti-fog spray stat because I couldn’t see under the water and I couldn’t see well above water. I felt soooooo trapped in that lake! UGH. HOWEVER the good part was that I finished! I only had one moment of real panic…a moment when I questioned my ability to make it around the orange buoys and through the finish flags on the sand. Because of my impaired vision, I feel my form, effort, and time were pretty compromised. I did freestyle for a while and tried to sight, but the dumb fog made it take longer, so then I’d swim breast stroke. It was just a mess…but I’m soooooo glad I just kept pushing forward and made it. I was smiling soooo big when I came out of that water I know it! Another super thing that added to my time was a nice slog up probably .3 mile hill that was pokey grass. That was annoying, but I digress.

I was surprised at how fast my transitions were..I thought they took longer. I was dizzy coming out of the water and getting my shoes and stuff on. Wobble wobble! The bike was pretty good. It was more hilly than I expected…I pushed it pretty hard, just because I’m competative with myself and others, and my time was slower than I thought. Darn those hills! That will be something I have to control for the 56. I can’t be too crazy and zap all my energy like that. It will kill me in the long run! I know I’ll suffer, but I have to control my tricks! :) By the time I started the run I was really excited that I was about to finish my first tri! My legs felt like wooden stilts for the first mile, but then I loosened up and ran better. During the last mile of the run I just enjoyed it! I ran along and told those who looked like they were having a hard time that they looked great and that they were doing an awesome job. One lady, kind of heavy set, older, ran by as I was coming in and her poor knees were all scraped up, but she had a huge smile on her face! What an amazing accomplishment for her, and to fall off the bike and still be smiling so big on the run. I wanted to turn back around and run with her, but I didn’t, I kept running and soon I crossed that finish line. My first tri done…that medal draped around my neck and a huge smile on my grimy face. I did it. I tri’d…and it felt really great.

.5 mile swim, 10.7 mile bike, 3.1 mile run

22:16 swim, 3:13 T1, 42:26 bike, 1:47 T2, 33:57 run

1:43:37

Votes on how many days I can eat oatmeal at least once before I feel like I’m eating throw up? I love oatmeal. It’s delicious and healthy, but I have a habit of eating things so often that I don’t enjoy them anymore. Maybe there are enough variations I can throw together to make it an adventure everyday. Today it’s honey with a little granola. Nom.

Did I also mention that my very first tri is in 4 days…?…technically 3, but that just makes me heave and hyperventilate more! I think I am ready, but I KNOWWW when I’m standing on our fake lake beach in front of a large body of water that is probably super dirty, in my tight, constrictive wetsuit, that I will have 8 thousand second thoughts racing through my head. I’m playing dumb…I’m walking tall and approaching with confidence, because if I don’t, I will probably fall apart. It’s just like the pool. Just a little deeper, and wider, and longer…you can do it. Don’t worry about anyone but yourself…just get in the back and to the side and swim and look up every so oftenn to make sure you’re not off track and before you know it you’ll be at the turn around.

I have butterflies. :)

BIG GIANT FLUTTERY ANGRY BUTTERFLIES.

Heh. My life.

This is a silly question, but I have no experience, so I need to know.

For IM Boulder, and I assume a lot of other half iron races, there are 3 aid stations along the course. I always usually utilize aid stations for every race I’ve ever done. I’ve seen a lot of people just call out what they want and whiz by on their bike as they grab it, but do other people, (not the speedsters or pros) actually stop and grab what they want and then resume their ride? I feel like a dumb dumb for not knowing what to do…I feel like if I wanted/needed a powerbar or something AND a drink on the bike I couldn’t physically do that without eating pavement…so do I stop? Pull just ahead of the aid station and quickly eat/drink what I want and leave the trash there? Because I know they have semi strict rules about littering. It’s easier on the run because you’re not moving as fast, but on the bike, there’s a huge radius where you could fling your excess.

Anyway…experienced tri peeps let me know please?