Mile Markers of Life

The swim in which I say fuck you to my swim cap, an inanimate object. I couldn’t get that stupid thing on and it pissed me off. Pms much? YEAH.

I hate swimming. Ya know. It’s just so seriously mundane and it’s always the same. It never changes. It’s always a white pool floor with a stripe down the middle, blue tinted water one second and the ceiling the next. At least with running and biking you get the wind in your face, sun on your back, beautiful scenery, all different smells and sounds. It’s wonderful, but… Good lord swimming is HORRIBLE. I seriously despise it. THANK GOD it’s the shortest part of a tri or I would not be participating.

Thank God that’s over. I’m convinced it will never get better and I will never like it anymore. I swim to survive and to avoid drowning. That’s it. And that is just fine with me.

Balls balls balls, balls balls balls, balls. It is cold. Freezing. Effing balls cold. You know what I’m about to do?

Swim.

Balls. I just got gas and I am numb. My nose and chin. Totally so excited to jump in the cold water. 9 degrees, -13 with wind chill, this is April, mind you. Colorado, you are DRUNK. Actually, not really. Colorado is more of an alcoholic, so it’s normal some days and like this other days. It is just so frigid.

I also got a new suit. A brand new, real live one piece suit. It’s all super tight and unflattering. I am pretty sure it’s made for three types of people: 1.) pre-pubescent girls who are flat on all sides. 2.) girls blessed with the most perky of boobs who don’t need support only the most tight strap down. 3.) teenage boys who feel the need to cross dress in a women’s bathing suit.

So here I go. Balls.

Lololol hilarious. What swim training? I’m not getting in the pool until the week of March 20, and that’s a promise.

I am so sorry that I am so classy…it really is pretty hard to be as classy as I am.

Today called for a 55 minute run, which I only did 20 of so far because I’m trying to break my runs apart…it seems like good practice for the Epic Relay where I’ll be running 3 legs on tired legs. I know I can run 55 minutes without stopping, so breaking it apart is fine. I’ll do the remaining 35 tonight. :)

Also, today I swam 40 laps aka the magic number. I went into the pool with a mission. Schedule said 55 minutes, so that was my goal. I am painfully slow, but I don’t care. I can cover the distance without drowning. I remember a certain girl who said she would never do a triathlon because of the swimming. Well..she’s swimming now. That girl couldn’t swim a single lap in October without feeling out of breath, and now she can swim 40 without stopping. It doesn’t matter how slow I go…I can finish, and THAT’S what matters to me!! I don’t care if I take a whole hour to do the 1.2 mile swim…I just want to get through it!

I am getting SO SO SO SO excited for all these fun things to commence!!!! Three super duper fun races waiting for me!! Yipee!

This was the song running through my head for the entire swim…how perfect. Now is the time where panic starts to ensue. I swam today. The best part about it was after I finished and got to take a cat nap in the sun. It sucked so much…and crap days like this make mereallynervous. I felt like a flailing, splashing idiot the whole time. I couldn’t get my rhythm. I couldn’t get into it…the entire mile just felt unorganized, off rhythm flailing.

 I am starting to get scared about race day…I check nearly everday for the swim waves, and I have checked probably 6 or 7 times, double and triple checking the cutoff times. It’s 1:10 after the final wave. That sounds doable right? It would be superb if I knew what my wave was. Even so, I’m sure I will befine, but the fact that there are cutoff times makes me cringe. It brings up thoughts of me not being good enough, fast enough, determined enough to finish. My greatest fear about the entire race isnotmaking it through the swim. Hundreds of different thoughts run through my head. What if I am too slow? What if I get off course and lose valuable time? What if I make it to the final stretch and realize I’ve only got a few minutes left and just give up? These thoughts creep in everytime I go to swim, to stroke, to breathe…they invade every crack and crevice of my brain.

I am a slow swimmer. Even on good days where I feel like I have it I’m really a slow poke. I am entirely terrified of having a DNF on my race results page because I couldn’t make it through the swim. All those days and workouts I skipped in winter because I was too lazy, too tired, too this, too that, now I get to kill myself and make these last two months count because I’m terrified.

Some people are really enraging. I have had a great day. A wonderful, lovely day. I worked and then I worked out—I swam a mile and ran 45 minutes. I took a warm shower and basked in the post-workout happy mood. I then went to Victoria’s Secret and got my free underwear, some cute sweats, and a gift for my mom for mother’s day. Then I went to get gas. And my lovely day was interrupted by an idiotic woman.

I keep going over what I did in my mind. I have come to the conclusion that I did nothing wrong. I was leaving the parking lot and this truck was waiting to come out of the lot, too, and I guess I didn’t stop for this stupid woman. She HAD a stop sign coming out of the parking lot. I was just driving on the road. Sorry lady that I didn’t stop and wait so you could go first. And then to add insult to injury you had to wait your turn, and then drive behind me. My car with the 26.2 bumper sticker. It made you jealous didn’t it? So much so that you decided to ride my butt and then at the light pull up beside me and make me roll my window down. (I shouldn’t have)(Ignorance is bliss)(Ignore eye contact)

In her words: “you know what you did a bad thing. You..you..you did a bad thing. Incoming traffic does not stop..you did a bad thing. You know what? I’m gonna write you down.” (she then preceeded to give me a snotty look.

Now I’m sorry: she may have been having a bad day or something, but go run some miles or do a kickboxing class. Don’t be bitchy to people who had the right of way. OH no you had to wait your turn in the parking lot. Sorry I ate 4 seconds of your life up. I just hope you’re not that unhappy all the time….because that would be a really crappy, awful life. Come on a run with me and I’ll show you what happy feels like, because you’ve apparently never felt it before. Old bag. Targeting college kids is what she’s doing. OH EM GEE I’m soooo scared! You wrote me down??? That is the ultimate threat. You can’t prove anything anyways unless of course you had a video camera, which I highly doubt because you seem too old to understand the technology of the 21st century. Therefore, I win.

Oh and I wrote you down too. (It’s really too bad this isn’t a phone number because we could really make her crazy with all the phone calls of the internet. Watch who you mess with lady…the internet is pretty massive, and I have it on my side.

Some days you have it, some days you don’t.

Today I have it. Even though I’m stressed and very much over school, I feel at peace. I feel like I have things under control, for the most part at least.

I didn’t do great on my last chem test..but it’s okay, because I can still do well in the class(I hope). I can study and be diligent and I can get high B’s or even A’s…I just have to work hard.

I also feel like I have it together in the training realm. Before, I was getting overwhelmed with the largeness of the whole thing. I was scared and felt pretty unable to accomplish the training, but since I’ve really sat down and looked at my training I realize that taking it day by day is the way to go. I’m a person who gets set in her ways fairly easily, so taking time out for training and away from my usual fitness classes is diffficult. I’ve recognized that, but I feel like I can do it now. I just have to think about what is more important, and that is training.

I want to be in the best shape of my life—physically and emotionally—when I toe the sand on that morning. I want to be confident and assured of my abilities. I want to be secure in my training and realize I accomplished what I set out to do. I don’t want to get onto that beach..in front of that lake..and question my training. I don’t want to wonder if I did enough..if I was diligent enough. I want to be absolutely and completely sure of my abilities..and that is exactly what I plan to do.

I am so, so excited to see all of this play out. Sunday marked 20 weeks, I believe…and I’m not being flakey on my training anymore. I missed my swim yesterday, so I’m doing it tonight along with 90 minutes of cycling. It’s too cold still to ride outside, but the rest of the week should be beautiful. I’m ready for spring. Last week was perfect, but today it’s pretty cold and extremely windy.

It’s not easy finding a balance, and I am not pretending that I will always have it down perfectly every day, every week, but for right now…I feel like I can really take it on…and not just half way. I’m ready to jump into this with both feet.

Bring. It. On.

There is something great about the month of march. It’s the beginning of more spring like weather. There is the time change…more daylight to enjoy. There is the fresh nature smell of the trees and grass beginning to stretch and grow. The chirping of the birds and skittering of bunnies. I love March…I love spring, and it was exactly what I needed.

Something about the month of march flipped a switch in my system. I suddenlywantedto train and get better. It was no longer something that made me cringe and whine about. The cold winter months had me down. They had me wanting to have nothing to do with being outside or getting in the cold pool. I was discouraged because I kept skipping workouts..I was disappointed in myself for being lazy and finding excuses. However, something about the month of March made me long to train. I wanted to be outside enjoying the warmer spring like days, running, biking…or just being. It’s made me excited to be alive…spring+training=very lively, happy me.

Anyway the point of this post is this: I’m not stagnant. I’m not a one trick pony that gets better and good at things to a certain point and then stops. I am not hopeless, and neither are you. In October I couldn’t swim well. In November, December, January, and February I slogged through the water and wondered what I had gotten myself into. I wondered if it was a mistake to sign up for a triathlon…to think I could do it, accomplish it, be it. I got so discouraged…and I quit a lot of times. I cut my swims short and I took too many breaks and I just wasn’t trying enough. Each time I’d go into the water thinking I could do it, and each time I would come out defeated and sad…I made a mistake, I thought…I can never do this. I’m not a swimmer. I can’t do this.

And then one day…I did. I kept trying. I hated mostly every minute, every length, every lap I was in the pool, but I was signed up for this huge thing, and I don’t go down without a big old fight. There was no way I was giving this up just because there were some speed bumps.

I am proud to say that today…I got so much better. Last week I felt on top of the world and so proud when I did 15 laps with 3 breaks. Well, today…today I did 25 laps with onlyonebreak. I took one break after the 3rd lap to stretch my arms. Swimming is like running…the first few laps, minutes, miles, whatever, suck..but once you get into it, it becomes easier..more doable. I never thought the day would come where I could make it fairly effortlessly down and back without having to switch strokes and gasp for air. I couldn’t be more happy and excited. This is becoming more of a reality…a doable thing that I could actually get good at rather than a pipe dream that I mistakenly signed up for with a lack of information.

Today…today the swim didn’t conquer me…I conquered the water. And I liked it.

I just got a package that I forgot I’d ordered.

It’s full of bathing suits.

It’s time to get to work…because that was just embarrassing to try on. UGHHH

I need to clean up my diet a lot.

Preposterous…did you know that doing something more often will make you better at it?!

This seems to be kind of a new ongoing learning experience with me, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.

In other words get off your(my) lazy butt and get your(my) workouts done.

I swam today. And not just flailing alternating with swallowing gallons of water. I actually felt great today. Just a little while ago I couldn’t swim down and back without feeling like I was going to suffocate and sink to the bottom of the pool. Then I got a little better but it was still a struggle…I could make it a little ways freestyle and then I had to switch to breast stroke just to catch my dying breath. But today…today I finally felt like the 1.2 mile swim will eventually be feasible. I’m getting my form down. I’m relaxing and learning to breathe. I’m doing more than one lap in a row without wanting to give up, sit in the corner, and cry big ugly tears of frustration and impossibility.

I was never a swimmer. I hated the water. I hated the pool because I couldn’t do it. I thought I could never be good at this…but it looks as though ill be able to hold my own come August 5th. I’ve still got a long ways to go…but I sure as heck have come a long ways since I first started..both in confidence and ability.

Say it ain’t so. Doing something diligently will make you better. You got me.

Bring it on.

• I swam today. Not very far. Working on it.
• I lifted weights today
• I was tired and got annoyed
• I sat in the sauna and stretched
• It was glorious
• I don’t recommend going in the sauna with your clothes and then going outside in same clothes.
• You might freeze your face off.
• I keep convincing myself of a false summer…that it’s almost here, but alas it’s 32 degrees.
• I’m sad it’s not summer.
• When will I get weather above 55?
• I eat weird things for lunch
• I’m having roasted broccoli with cheddar on it
• I’m also having yogurt
• and peanut butter toast
• and milk
• and a cheese stick
• I’m not pregnant
• The end.

I cleaned all day today—that crap is hard work. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym and do any sort of workout. However, I promised myself that I would start to be more present and WTFU when I felt tired or lazy. I promised myself that I would get my hiney into the pool 3 times a week. I told myself I would go Monday, Wednesday, and Friday’s…guess what today is. Friday.

All day while I was cleaning I went back and forth, back and forth, okay I’ll go I’ll be right by the gym, wait nevermind I’m tired, this is hard. I don’t feel like it, I’m way too tired. Buck up buttercup you will be right by the gym you might as well go, what are you gonna do when you get home anyways? Sit on your butt and get on tumblr…

I was thinking: how come we always say the mind has to win over the body’s desires to quit or not even get started. That is true in a big way, but as I was slaving over other people’s dust I was thinking…there is a time and place for the mind to take over, and it’s a very important thing to conquer, but a lot of times it’s my mind that gets me in trouble. If my body says it’s tired, my mind is usually more than happy to oblige and the two of them watch tv on the couch or take a nap.

I think the mind must control the body, but the heart must control the mind. If you remember what you’re working towards, what you want the end result to be, your heart’s desire is to succeed, so your heart will take over and remind you what is important. The body says it’s tired…the mind sometimes pushes it, but the heart says go..get it done and you will be happier afterwards.

I wasn’t happy about it, and this picture sucks…I only posted it because I like how my shoulders look. haaahaa vanity. I swam today…the goal is completed for the first time. I got in the pool 3x this week, and this won’t be the last week…this is one of many. I’m starting to get the hang of controlling my thoughts and body…getting geared up for a long season of training is both exciting and exhausting. It takes a bit to get into the swing of things, but I think I’m starting to swing.

Bring it on.

When I was glued to my living room floor I was teetering on the edge of calling it a day.

But then I didn’t.

I got in the car and drove to the gym. You know what song was playing? That newer one by Kelly Clarkson. I’m aware she’s talking about her relationship issues, but I have a knack for turning any song into something that is talking about working out and training. It’s a gift.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller. What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I had a great workout tonight. Some of the most awesome workouts happen when you don’t feel like going in the first place. I was energized and I had lots of enthusiasm and I was really enjoying what I was doing. Thumbs up for making the right decision. It always makes me feel great and I always feel better afterwards.

Started small with a 20 minute swim and then went to a cardio resistance training class. I’m still very scared about the swim, but I know I can do it. I hope I can. Ugh. I’m trying to be patient and trust the process…I’m honestly only starting to get serious and be consistant about getting into the pool. I’ll trust the process. I’ll be diligent and do every workout and I will trust the process. It will work out.

Just go. You probably won’t regret it. I didn’t.

And so begins the training hunger. I haven’t even technically started officially training yet, but I am starting to add workouts in and get used to having them in my week because for the next 6.5 months I will be doing a whole lotta swimming, biking, and running. :)

It’s pretty interesting how your body adapts. I actually think it’s really cool and impressive. Today has felt like the eternal day. I cleaned today, which burned calories, and I swam already, which burned a few more, and I’m heading later to workout a little more.  I feel like I’ve eaten so much today, but I plugged everything into my plate and it is only around 877, which really surprises me. It makes sense that I’m hungry, I guess.

OH more on the swimming: I saw a whole new world today. It was the world of a structured swim workout. I have a hard time getting the motivation and drive to actually drag my butt to the gym and get in the pool, and even today after I cleaned I almost talked myself out of it! Unacceptable…but I DID go! I looked up a swimming workout, too, and it was 600m. I’ve never swam that far before…may sound silly but I don’t swim! (I do now)…but really. Before, you never could have gotten me into a pool. I’d hop in and do one flailing lap and that was enough for me. This is a whooooooooole new game, and I’m starting to get the hang of it. I still am struggling with the breathing and form a bit, but hopefully if I just concentrate on the form I will continue to get it down and eventually not feel like I’m suffocating and drowning as I flop through the water like a fish missing half it’s fin.

Anyways…hope you all are having a great day! Go workout! GO!

Omg this is the coolest thing ever….I want this!!!

It would at least distract me from all the swimming I will be taking part in in the next 224 days, but who’s counting……