It’s been three weeks. Three weeks since I didn’t finish my race, three weeks since I’ve had any sort of desire to pursue any type of exercise and fitness, and three weeks since I’ve documented anything on here. Working up to something like that race is both mentally and physically hard, and when you don’t finish, the mental takes over.
I am not cut out for this. I am not a triathlete. I am slow. I am fat. I am out of shape. I can’t workout for 7 hours. I can’t finish this one so how could I finish anything else.
The mind takes over. My mind has taken me over for the past three weeks. This race was a real loss to me. It was really special and important and I ended the day being driven to the finish line, only three miles away. That is not fair. That is not right. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It makes me feel smaller than a grain of sand even though I know better. I never did a recap because I just didn’t have anything positive to say about the day. I had a pretty good swim, I liked my outfit, I didn’t throw up or shit myself. Other than that, it is a blur of negative emotion, self abuse via mind games and hateful words, and a long, slow trek that ended in the stupidest way.
This race occupied my mind and body for another entire 10 months and continued eating away at me for three weeks afterwards, but it’s over and done. What happened, happened. I am over it now. I am ready to move on. During these past three weeks, I still read your awesome runs, bikes, races, and overall awesomeness. While doing so I worked 40 hour weeks, barely worked out at all and when I did it was extremely half-hearted, and I felt the need to eat any and everything that looked good to me. I ate freely from our “Fat Corner” at work…Cheese-Itz, pretzels, random salted nuts, cookies, brownies, etc. I raided the chocolate drawer at work and indulged in one too many mini chocolate bars. I now feel ill, I feel gross, I feel bloated and inflated and like I gained weight. I guess three weeks off will do that to you and make you feel horrible in the process.
Yesterday as I was sitting on my couch watching random DVR’d tv I realized how bad I really felt. This isn’t who I am…who I want to be! I still follow all of these awesome fitness people and if they can eat reasonably and exercise why the hell can’t I? It isn’t a hard question. It is a matter of laziness, time, comfort zones, and cravings/addictions to unhealthy sugary, fatty foods that I still am trying to shake. I know I have them, so what am I going to do about it? I know I am tired after work and now school, so is everyone else, but what am I going to do about it?
Just like this semester with 18 credits and an actual job is going to require me to take it one week at a time, so is getting healthier, stronger, better than I was before, which isn’t hard to beat at this point. I am so tired of settling! I am so tired of looking in the mirror and not enjoying what I see. I am so tired of putting on clothes and feeling insecure because they are tight or my muffin top shows. I am so tired of feeling weak and slow and fat! Most of all I am sick of settling and expecting my body to do something or look a certain way when I don’t do the work. Body resentment is so unhealthy. I have to make a change. It is one day at a time, one workout at a time, one healthy choice at a time.
I was gone. I felt gone for good at times….but now I’m back.